Tuesday 15 August 2017

I have PCP, but I don't think it's catching

So, I'm finally ready to come out of the closet.
(Which you will soon see is a remarkably apt use of analogy)

I admit it, (drum roll).....I have PCP.

There, I've said it.
The world now knows my deepest, darkest secret (well, those people in the world who read my blog, which is, say around 10, on a good day).

I don't know when my PCP first manifested itself, probably years ago, but it's currently out-of-control.

For example. 
Yesterday, two coats and a pair of shoes were purchased, taken home and put away in my wardrobe. 

Today, all were removed from wardrobe, labels re-attached, re-bagged and all were returned to source.

PCP (self-named acronym for self-named Purchase Commitment Phobia) symptoms include a weird guilt-laden panic-like state, felt head to toe. 
It begins when it dawns on you that too much money has been spent on something that you don't really, really need - and can, however, be debilitating when you do actually need something!

Symptoms are immediately alleviated once the return has been processed and light-headed relief slowly replaces the breathless, arm-tingling tension that had begun to build while the purchase was 'in the closet'.
It's not life-threatening.

The youth of today (pft), are creating their very own version of the English language, and no doubt other languages around the world, as they snap, tweet and text their way through life (don't even get me started on their new usage of the word 'sick').
I suspect within just a few years the Oxford English Dictionary will be adding the word 'lobe' - as a separate entry and entirely unrelated to anything to do with ears.
Lobe (2) Meaning:
  1. a strong feeling of affection
     
  2. a great interest and pleasure in something
     
  3. a person or thing that one lobes
     
  4. (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil
Verb: lobes (third person present) · lobed (past tense) · lobed (past participle) · lobing (present participle)
  1. feel deep affection or lobe for (someone):
On a regular basis (mainly on days when he's forgotten his PE kit, needs a lift to his friend's or wants a tenner), my teenage son tells me in a text: "I lobe you c"
Oh, and that's another thing, the letter X will be eradicated, simply because it's just too darn near the C on a Qwerty keyboard and seemingly impossible to hit on a touch-screen when you're not actually looking at said touch-screen - and therefore not essential.
I routinely text him back and tell him, I'm at work and can't traipse up to school with his blooming PE kit; he can stop being a lazy git and walk to his friend's house and he can sod off and ask his father for some money!  But I always add: "I lobe you too"

I'll round off for today with another gem from my job in a theatre Box Office.
Me: "Would you like to buy a programme for £2?"
Customer: "Maybe, how much are they?"

Mind you, if I was the customer, I'd be more likely to ask: "If I decide I don't need it, can I have my money back please?"