In fact, I'm not sure I should be writing about my most recent stroke of genuis while I'm on hold to the Intellectual Property Office helpline.
My proposal is to create a simple testing kit, a bit like a pregnancy test, however it will utilise multiple colour-coding to present results.
It's going to be costly to produce initially as DNA technology will be involved in the process of creating the testing formula.
But, my goodness me, it will sell like hot cakes. There's not a woman in the land who won't rush out and buy one as soon as they hit the shelves.
The instructions will read thus:
Remove plastic wrapper and dispose of responsibly.
(The kit is made from 100% recycled materials).
Holding the white plastic end of the stick, firmly rub the other end on the test area.
Ensure the end is fully coated.
Wait five minutes. The tip will gradually change colour.
Bingo! Your culprit will be revealed. For example, let's say blue is for husband, red for son no.1, green for son no. 2 and orange for visitors etc.
Poirot-like, you can waltz into the front room and declare: "Ha, ha, now I know exactly who has been splashing their wee around the toilet seat and carpet!"
The Dip-stick (working title) instructions will have small print:
Dip-stick does not accept responsibility for matrimonial disharmony, sweets-withdrawal-style punishments or violence which may ensue following the testing procedure.
Well, what a great idea all you ladies are thinking (yes, I'm stereotyping, so shoot me (no, not you Daniel, put the Nerf gun down). Dip-stick will put an end to the following scenario:
Wife: "Who has wee'd on the toilet seat and the carpet?"
Husband: "Not me."
Son no 1: "Not me."
Son no 2: "Not me."
By the way, the numbering of my children is purely chronological, not favouritism.
But as E. Nesbit said in The Railway Children: "Of course, mothers never have favourites, but if their mother had had a favourite, it might have been Roberta".
Anyway, I've banged on about the very different forms of love we feel for our children in a previous blog so I won't repeat myself. Go and read it!
I've leave you with another of my favourite 'tales from Teddy', voiced just this week.
"Mum, if we knocked down our conservatory, would you get your money back for it?"
You couldn't write this stuff.
Oh go on, you know you want another.....this is yesterday's, hot off the press.
"Mum, you know how sometimes the weeks seem to fly by and then other weeks seem to go slower?"
"Yes Teddy, that's true and very observant, good boy."
"Well, do you think different countries take it in turns having weeks that go slow or fast?"
I don't know about other countries, but apparently next week is due to fly by, with mild temperatures and showers, on Planet Ted.
OCD, I have thoughts on that as well as males with bad aims, but more of that for my next blog....
Note to new product researchers at Betterware or Lakeland, please contact me on my landline.
